29th November 2008
Darling Jack. 4 months today since we found out you were gone and I gave birth to you. I kept wishing & praying right up until you were born that they had made a terrible mistake and you would be alright really. I remember me and daddy held your tiny hands and your fingers curled round ours as if you were just asleep. I miss you so much love mummy xxx
Time
Do you know what hurts?
Time.
It crushes me
Now all alone
No sympathy cards to open
I ache for my son
Time marching on.
Seasons changing
With no regard
For this life lost.
I hear a baby cry
Wishing I could change a nappy
Feed my boy
But Jack is ashes in a box.
I cannot hold him
Life goes on.
Not in my heart.
I am a mother
Cursed my circumstance.
Two Months
Today the pain of losing you
Is all that I can think or do
The phone rings but I let it stop
Too weak to move my stomach knots
The tears of love rush down my face
For baby Jack gone from this place
I want to hold your tiny hand
And rock you as I speak of plans
But I must face that every year
Instead of joy we'll all have tears
Because as time goes marching on
I'm further taken from my son.
Numb
This feels
like a terrible dream
Reality
slips away as my head feels numb
I am a mummy
So why is our nest empty?
I had a baby
So why did our world fall apart?
A mistake was surely made
Our baby boy...gone.
Due Date - 1st September 2008
I sit here alone
Imagining how life would have been
You in my tummy
Coming out and crying out to us
Instead of your silent entry into this world
Bringing tears instead of smiles
As we gazed at your beauty
And wished so hard
For more time
Your daddy longed to hold you
Never knowing it would hurt like this.
Darling Jack
Every time I see a cabbage white butterfly I think of you. All those people that turned up for your funeral loved you so much. To us all the butterfly has become symbolic in our remembrance of you. Your Auntie Fran bought me, your Auntie Jo and Grandma white butterfly brooches for the funeral which we will wear every day. I also wear Nanny's ring now. I never knew her first child was lost to her in the same way I lost you. I hope you are together in heaven now and she is looking after you until I get there. Is my Daddy looking after you too? So many people are aching with pain right now because they were looking forward to your arrival so much. You have broken down barriers and caused us all to be closer with each other but the way it happened has broken our hearts. I wish I could cuddle you again. I remember when me and your Daddy took one of your perfect little hands each and held them. I wish we never had to let go.
Love you always from Mummy xxxx
The Day After The Funeral
Our concrete box of memories
A quiet place today
Our hearts are loud with hopelessness
Our baby gone away
Every day forever more
I want to scream his name
How can life continue on
Or ever be the same?
My body bears the stretch marks
I hope will never fade
They tell me of a happy time
When plans and dreams were made
The bear we bought our baby
Is all we have to hold
Our little boy who never cried
And never will grow old
26th August 2008
I feel like I should have kept you safe. I prayed so hard whilst I waited for the doctor - if you could just be alive then I would do anything. But they had no hope to offer us - you'd already gone it seemed. Giving birth to you was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. It was so difficult to keep pushing when I knew you were dead already. When I first held you in my arms you looked so pink and perfect - as if you were just sleeping. I could hear other babies crying down the ward and willed you to make a noise - tell those doctors they'd made a terrible mistake. You were the most perfect thing I've ever helped create. Our time with you in Nightingale is something I will never forget. It ripped me apart to leave you there but I knew if I spent a week there I could never have had enough time with you. When we got home the house seemed wrong. Your crib lay empty and I put your blanket in it and sobbed because you should have been in there. Your room stands testament to all the energy and love we poured into our imagined future with you. But I know we must not let what happened destroy us. In your memory we will get married, go to great places and I hope one day give you little brothers and/or sisters. You brought so much love and light to our lives. We will never ever forget you teddy cub bear.
Love Mummy xxxx
Jack
Eight months I cradled you inside me
Feeling precious kicks and watching as you made my tummy grow
We planned a future made bright by your presence
So many happy times you'll never know.
*
Your life was very short but I hope lovely
In the warm cocoon in which you played
Me and your dad already loved you so much
Our only wish is that you could have stayed.
Jack. I feel very lost knowing that the Sands forum has been closed til next year. I suppose it's even worse for the poor mummy and daddies who have just lost their babies though. Mummy loves you very much and will move all the words from my book of remembrance for you to here. Love you xxxx
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